No sleep… but the sun is rising

Its been over a month since I’ve written – which if you’ve been reading here long you know that’s quite unusual. It hasn’t been a lack of things happening that has kept me from writing – infact its been the opposite. So many things have been happening and I haven’t found a way to gather them together into this one blog… but I’m trying.I tend to be one who losses sleep when things aren’t going well. My mind doesn’t seem to stop and I tend to overthink things. And my heart just won’t tire. I told a friend of mine yesterday that I woke up that morning from only 3 1/2 hours of sleep; and sadly today has began the same way.

I was sitting in the car yesterday with this same dear friend of mine, Nance. I’ve been friends with her for nearly 6 years. She tends to be that one person – who if you didn’t know that you were dealing with something then she could quickly bring it to your attention within a matter of minutes. She knows how to hit you in the spot that you didn’t want to go, but the place that needed to be visited. She knows how to open people, and open hearts. We were driving in her van when she looked over at me and said: “Teresa how is life going? How are you really doing?” I sat there and stared out the window for a moment and answered a few vague questions. Then she hit a certain few topics that I didn’t want to go to. I answered her briefly and then sighed and said that I didn’t feel like talking about it.

But that’s not true. I do want to talk about it. I have a lot of things to say, I just don’t know how to say them. I have somethings to say and things I’m feeling; but I don’t think it’s what people want to hear.

I sat in my bed last night talking with a dear friend of mine who I haven’t seen for weeks and finally got to hear his voice. He has to be one of the most Godly young men that I know – and I’ve missed that about him (now that he’s not in Ohio) so it was good to get a glimpse of that in him again over the phone. I caught up on how he was doing – I wanted to know. I think “how are you doing” seems to be one of the most unasked questions, or atleast the answers are seldomly cared about… and that truly makes me sad.

I shared with him how I’ve been doing – something I’ve been terribly struggling with. He said to me: “Teresa don’t do it on your own. Give it to God, Teresa don’t try to do it on your own.” Those words have been clinging to me.

After hanging up the phone I sat on the floor in the quietness of my room wondering what it was that led me to saying that I didn’t want to share with Nance yesterday. The only thing I’ve been led to is that I’ve really been trying to handle my life. I told my friend on the phone that lately I’ve been terrified of weakness, of showing weakness… sitting in the car with Nance, telling her how I’ve really been doing would show weakness.

I don’t know about you – but I really can’t handle my life; I don’t have complete control over it! Things tend to happen so quickly that I don’t have a moment to prepare for them or be on guard. So, I can’t handle my life. I don’t know why that 5 hours after the drive with Nance yesterday, that I finally began to be at peace with that and realizing this. I don’t know why that 5 hours earlier I couldn’t have realized that handling my life isn’t my own job – that my life in is Someone Elses hands… God’s. And maybe then I would’ve more easily or willingly shared with Nance.

I cannot handle my life; I don’t and will never have complete control over it.. The words: “Give it to God, don’t do it on your own” are replaying over and over again in my mind. I’ve really been trying to handle my life; trying to take every single thing under my own control. The words that my friend said on the phone have some how felt as if they’ve given me permission to realize that I’m not in control of my life – and that I’ve already been released of that BURDEN.

The burden of taking things upon my own shoulders, finding the right words and actions, dealing with everything as it comes my way, putting a guard up to be prepared, trying to hold things together, and trying to keep weaknesses hidden. It isn’t my job… and that isn’t my burden to carry alone.

For someone who says that “how are you” isn’t asked enough; I tend to confuse myself. Because yesterday when I was asked that question I was fearful to give the real answer.

So, I cannot handle my life and I don’t have complete control over it – and I’m not suppossed to.
It’s comforting to know that it’s not a bad thing to come before Jesus poor and needy.

“Hear O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy.” -Psalm 86:1
We’re promised to sometimes come before Jesus poor and needy, desperate and broken. But we are also promised that we don’t have to handle it on our own – and that Jesus doesn’t see that as a bad thing.Some people may see that as weakness – admitting that our own lives can’t be handled by ourselves. Some people may think that is where we ultimately fall… when we admit those words. But, I’m beginning to not see it like that (yes, I know I just completely contridicted what I was thinking yesterday.) I think that is the first step of courage and bravery… when we admit that we can’t do it on our own; that we are in desperate need of the only One Who is known to be faithful. Maybe even saying the words “I can’t handle my life, I can’t do it on my own” to Jesus, is what we were called to do all along… to give up what we thought was ours and rightfully hand it over to Jesus.

I’m sorry about this blog – it’s completely disconnected and scattered – a bit all over the place. But, I’m just full of thoughts this morning and desperate to share them.

God, help me to walk in Your promises.

"No more excuses…."

It’s after 1am in Ohio. Those of you who know me well know that I’d usually be asleep 3 hours ago. But tonight that’s not happening, my body is tired but my mind can’t seem to settle and my heart can’t seem to rest. I’m trying to settle in with some David Crowder and writing this blog – but I’m not sure if this kind of thing ever helps.I have a story to share with you before I get to the meat of this blog… or atleast to where I’m planning on leading. First, let me tell you that I’m sorry for the confusion ahead of time… a big part of this is personal and I’m not wanting very many people to know about this yet until things are final.. or completely planned.

Last week I spent my days at a Youth Camp; one I’ve been going to off and on for 4 years. While I was there the last 4 days I had the chance to meet a new friend who was a councelor there. I got to meet him, talk with him and get to know him within those last 4 days. Since I’ve come back home I’ve been convinced of one thing: if I had 1 reason to be there that week then it would’ve been to’ve met this friend.

The last night we talked was our last day there. We have one major thing in common and most of our conversations have been wrapped around that – and I have been completely blessed by that! But, the last night we were there I came to him in tears over this thing… the one thing I was thankful for at that moment was the fact that we were standing outside in the dark so he wasn’t able to see my watery eyes. I told him that I’m full of doubt, fear and feeling enable for it (the thing we have in common), and that I’ve been struggling spiritually.

After I talked for a solid amount of minutes about where I’ve been and what I’m feeling he looked me in the eye and said: “we are always going to struggle, and our struggles are always going to be hard. Really hard.” I nodded in agreement with him. And then he put the things that were in his hands down on the wet ground and looked straight foward and then sideways toward me and said: “Teresa, someone said this to me once. Teresa, are these things excuses now, or are they really big things? Are fear, doubt, or feeling enable excuses for where you are right now – for what God is doing in you right now? Or are they really big things right now? Teresa, you’re fearful, doubtful, and feeling like you’re enable for this – but maybe you’re allowing them to become excuses. Someone said this to me before.. ‘no more excuses.’ Teresa, God wants the willing and I know you’re willing (for the thing we have in common); but maybe you’re now letting these things get in the way. Teresa, no more excuses.”

Fear, doubt and feeling unable feels so real to me right now. These places that God has allowed me to come into make me feel completely insecure and unprepared… completely enable for where I am and where I’m leading right now. Things that I’ve been thinking upon and hopefully planning for nearly a year now – but things that I never thought would happen. I don’t want excuses, but I think I may be full of them.

This morning I was having some time with Jesus and after praying to Him – the words “no more excuses” hit me hard. Literally. I sat there in the silence of my room and those words were suddenly brought to my attention again. No more excuses. I looked at the passages I just read and I realized that I’ve allowed excuses to become not only a part of the situation I’m in but also a part of my walk with Jesus. I’ve allowed my fear, guilt, sin, doubt, shame, and weariness become an excuse for being half-hearted, for questioning God. I’ve allowed the fact that I’m struggling with fear, guilt, sin, doubt, shame and weariness – make those very things seem okay.

Tonight those aren’t the words that I need, but this morning I did. Tonight I’m looking for words like: “seek Jesus, He is there” but like I shared with my friend… I’m prone to believe lies. I’m now prone to allow the fact that I can believe lies be an excuse for me. I haven’t been believing the truth about God in my life lately, and I’ve so terribly allowed that to make me think it’s okay to make excuses for myself. Tonight I’ve allowed myself to think over in my mind the past 2 weeks and how I’ve felt distant from God while trying to desperately seek Him – become an excuse for myself.I am fearful, doubtful and feeling enable – but I desperately what to come before Jesus with those things and not allow myself to hide in fear because of them.

I’m tired friends, but I want to listen to my friend’s advice and to seek Truth as well. I want to run to Jesus now even when I feel enable to. I want to trust His Truth even when I feel fearful, doubtful and enable… I want to trust He has me where He wants me even if I feel fearful, doubtful and enable in the midst of it…

I’m sorry for the wordi-ness but I had a point that I wanted to get across, but I’m not sure if I did. Writing this at 1 in the morning kind of hindered that…

I’m asking for prayer once again.

A Quieted Dream

I’ve always been the type of person to have a lot of dreams – things that sometimes seem unreachable and hindered, yet my heart feels at home with it.Yesterday I was with a friend of mine. I was sitting at the bar on a stool in her Kitchen and suddenly she sat beside me, looked me in the eye and asked: “Teresa, what are your goals? What are your dreams right now, what is it right now that you really want?” I looked at her in the eyes – kind of surprised by the question. I told her: “What are my goals? I don’t know.” I did know, I do know, but I hesitated. In the past few weeks a part of me has become so fearful of my dreams lately that I haven’t been able to share them. But, I built up the courage to tell her that being a Christian musician, a writer, a missionary in India, a photographor, a mother and wife are the very things that I’ve dreamed of doing… of being. The things I want to further The Kingdom with.

These are the things that make me come alive… music, writing, the people of India, black and white photographs. Making my own music with my own hands and my own words, scribbling my thoughts on paper and allowing them to become more then just that, taking what I think is beautiful and capturing that moment and making it even more beautiful, allowing messy little ol’ me to be used to spread the Word of God to the people of India.

Yesterday night a friend of my sister’s said to me: “I’ve read your blogs. You’re a really good writer!” I thanked her for the words, but I got fearful. I am fearful. The kind of fear that you face when you know things are hindered, things feel completely unreachable but they just don’t seem to go away. This type of fear has been whispering in my ear for the past few months… when I grabbed the laptop and sat down to write this fear seemed to be louder… but it is slowing being drowned out by the humming of the fans and the voice of sweet ol’ David Crowder. But the fear is still there, I can literally feel it.

Fear is still built within me – the type of fear caused because I’ve realized that sometimes God wants something to happen and He won’t let me thwart it (things that I feel unsure of) no matter what I do.

It has even scared me to share this with you – to share what dreams have been hidding in my heart, some of the dreams that I’ve been so fearful to share. I’ve become fearful because these are desperately things that I want. I’ve become afraid to share what I want because I’ve become fearful of finding out it isn’t what God wants for me or that I’m going to fail… or even that the hindrance in front of me will grow bigger. Music, writing, India, photography are those dreams.

Today these things have been heavy on me, re-thinking the words of my friend and the comments on my writing that I’ve been getting this week. I love the things that I dream for/of, I’ve just become fearful of them. My dreams have become quieted because of that.

I used to dream dreams easily – and up until this year I believed that nothing could hinder my dreams. I so easily believed that what I dreamed could simply become a reality. But somehow now; I guess the question that I truly want to ask is: which of these dreams are mine and what dreams are God’s FOR me? (Eph. 2:10) If I allow hindrances to stand in my way then what dreams of God’s for me will I walk away from… I think we are capable of walking away from what God wanted for us. I trust that God does have dreams for us… things He wants us to do to further His Kingdom, things that He has equipped us to do. I know I will get comments that disagree with me on that.

I am leaving again Sunday afternoon for a week. Once I am back home in a week more blogs will be coming… a “where-in-the-heck-have-I-been” blog and about a few things I’ve been learning, and life in general. And I’m sure after coming home I’ll have more to write about the place that I’m going. 🙂 If you’ve read my last blog and this one – I covet your prayers over these things.

Seek Jesus and be His…

Teresa

Words of inspiration….

If you’ve read this blog for anytime then you most likely know that I’m a reader, a desperate lover of words – if you know me personally then I’m sure you’ve known that for quite some time now. *grin*I haven’t had much time to soak up reading this Summer like I’m used to… but I decided to borrow this book from a dear friend of mine. This is 1 of the 2 books that I’ve so far been able to read this Summer. I want to share with you a few quotes from this book… hopefully reading these quotes will lead you into reading this sometime very random, vunerable, God-seeking book. 🙂

“When God is found and we embrace it with abandon, we embrace the Giver of it.”

“I had fallen in love with my spirituality rathen then with the One whom I sought, and in the end it left me void and wanting.”

“This is disheartening in that we know our living could be deeper and we have settled.”

“It is no wonder we have trouble when trying to fit our “spirituality” into all the stuff of life because we’ve neglected to bring all the stuff of life into our “spirituality.”‘

“….Even in the middle of darkness and loss is the unexpected presence of God..”

“Sometimes praise comes face to the ground, unable to move because we are so aware that this holy, terrifying God has busied Himself bringing us back to Him.”

Be inspired…. READ IT!

Teresa

A wrestless afternoon…

I’m sitting on the couch of a few friends of mine, I’m at their home that is nearly 2 hours away from my own. I woke up this morning at nearly 7 o’clock to find myself being the first one awake. I long for that in the morning, the mornings are especially the time that I need to myself; if I don’t get that then I feel as if my whole day is off track. I woke up this morning to having my time with Jesus, the cornfields right outside the window, and the shining morning sun. I loved it.But now it’s nearly 4 hours later and I’m feeling completely wrestless, completely unable to find peace and thrown out of my comfort zone. And I’ve felt desperate. The desperation I’ve felt has been more real then anything to me. It’s felt as if it’s been clinging to my very being and the very moment I’m given a glimpse of hope I’m then somehow reminded of the desperation that has found its place in me. I’ve been reminded of how incapable I am, how unfaithful and forgetful I am… and its been terribly hard.

This morning I read a verse in Pslam that I’ve been reading over and over for the past few weeks.

“Hear O LORD, and answer me. For I am poor and needy.” (86:1)
I’ve been trying and praying that those words would somehow settle in my heart. That I’d be reminded in this season that God sees the fact that I’m poor and needy as a good thing. That He knows I’m desperate and the very season that I’m in. I desperately want to be reminded that in the times God feels distant that His Promise still stands firm “Never will I leave or forsake you.”

Please do pray for me friends. I’ve been in place of desperation, feeling unfaithful and forgetful of Who Jesus truly is. I’m needy and poor and I trust that God will lead me to Him with that. I know that feeling desperate isn’t going to go away so quickly as I had hoped – and I could possibly be led to harder and rougher places then I am now. It could get harder before it gets easier.

“For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, like a great lion to Judah. I will tear them to pieces and go away; I will carry them off, with no one to rescue them. Then I will go back to my place until they admit their guilt. And they will seek My Face; in their misery they will earnestly seek Me.”

“Return, O Isreal, to the LORD your God. Your sins have been your downfall! Take words with you and return to the LORD. Say to Him: “Forgive all our sins and receive us graciously, that we may offer the fruit of our lips. Assyria cannot save us; we will not mount war-horses. We will never again say ‘Our gods’ to what our own hands have made, for in You the fatherless find compassion.”

I will heal their waywardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them. (Hosea 5:14-15, 14:1-4)

Teresa = MIA

I’ve been up for nearly 3 hours now, and when I woke up this morning I looked out the window to see a gray – gloomy ‘morning’ sky. It looks like rain… actually, it looks like rain for the next 2 or 3 days. I sometimes love the rain and thunderstorms, but I hate waking up to them.It has been nearly a month since I’ve written – there have been many things that I’ve wanted to write about: places I’ve been and the places I’m going, the amazing people I’ve met, the many things God has been weighing in on my heart, things with family and things with other loved ones. I am sitting here wondering how I’m going to be able to write about everything that has been in my heart and on my mind; but I don’t think it’s possible.

The last month has been crazy. I’ve been spending most of my time in cars, other people’s houses and other people’s churches. I’ve been running from here to there… from a Missions trip for 6 days, to being home for 6 days and then leaving for 7 more. And now I’ve been back home for 4 days and I have 4 left to go until I’m gone again for 5 and then home for 3 or 4 and then gone for 6 more. Believe me, it can get exhausting friends!

There are bags and suitcases to pack, things to buy and people to get inthouch with to make sure things are planned right. And very little time for life. Very little time to truly catch-up and have a conversation with dear friends of mine, little time to have peace and quiet and have familiarity again, and very little time to truly reflect on what has been put into my heart and mind during a weekly Bible Study… let alone very little time to be completely quieted and stilled before God.

Sometimes, (like this morning) I’m wishing life had a ‘pause’ button. A button that makes it so that I’m the only one moving and that when I feel completely ready again – then I can press the ‘go’ button. Too bad life doesn’t have one of those, I know many people who have wished that along with me. *grin*

When I left for the Missions trip it was good. Good to meet so many amazing new people (may have a blog up about them soon.) Good to learn what it truly means to have a servants heart and what it means to realize that God is capable even when I doubt that He is, and that He can work through and in me even when I feel completely enable.

The week after that I got to spend with my brothers Bryan and Mike and my brother Bryans’ family. It was refreshing in ways, and yet de-freshing in others (I know, I’m not sure if that’s a word either.) Our last night there, my sister Britt and my brother Bryan and I were all sitting around the Kitchen table sharing what God has been teaching us and where we’ve been in life lately and simply how we were doing. I haven’t had anyone ask me that or have anyone share that with me in awhile – so those words were spoken at just the right time. *grin*

And now, for 4 more days I am home. Spending time with family, having Bible Study, having time with Jesus, sleeping in my own bed and catching up on rest, and desperately trying to catch-up with friends that I’ve been missing.

Saturday afternoon I’m leaving to spend a few days with dear friends of mine that I haven’t had the chance to see since December! I may be exhausted and wanting/needing a few things that I haven’t been able to have in the past month, but I am terribly excited about this next week. To sit around the table like we did the last time I was there – and share about where our hearts have been, what God is teaching/doing in us, and what life has brought to us. To work together on things that need to be done. And to eat together, share coffee, watch movies, laugh and take walks… I’m excited.

I have more to share. I just wanted to write a ‘where-in-the-world-have-I-been’ blog (literally.) I have more to write about where God has had me and what He’s been allowing to weigh in on my heart, and a few other things.

Thanks for reading… please do comment, I’d love to hear from you. 🙂

Teresa

Seek!

Today has been one of those busy days. One of those days that I wish I could find the quiet and be still for only a moment; but that’s kind of hard with nine people running around the house. Usually a simple friendly voice that I haven’t heard for quite some time, a song I love, or a simple smile can comfort me. But even the sweet music of Bethany Dillon in my ears has left me frusterated and longing for the quiet that I haven’t been able to find… inside or out. Today has been one of those days when I’ve only been able to see “home” for a moment; I haven’t been “home” since 10am and finally stepped foot back into it at 7:00pm… yeah, today has been one of those days.I woke up this morning longing to be near Jesus after a rough nights sleep and after the past night of struggling with Him. In the quiet of the house slightly before 7am I knew it’d be the only time to try and be quiet and still for that one moment. In the quietness of my room I wasn’t able to be stilled or quieted, to be relaxed or calmed; but God did briefly breathe something into my heart that I’ve never heard. Something that I haven’t been able to be still enough to completely grasp, but, yet, something that I feel I’m going to be holding onto for awhile… even while I’m struggling.

This morning I was reading through Zephaniah and a few chapters in Amos. Amos isn’t normally a book I read, I’ve only read it 3 or 4 times in the past almost 2 years I’ve been following Jesus… but for some reason the heading: “A Lament and Call to Repentance” stood out at me.

Through reading chapter 5 very few words stuck out at me, I’m not sure why these words did, but God has been desperately trying to wrap them around my heart.

This is what the LORD says to the house of Isreal: “SEEK ME and LIVE.”
“SEEK the LORD and LIVE.”
“SEEK good, not evil, that you may LIVE.” (5:4, 6a, 14a)

Those simple, short verses weren’t placed together and put in big letters in God’s Word… but somehow those were the words that stuck out at me, the words that God peirced me with, the words that God has been trying to wrap around my heart and somehow allow me to grasp.

“Seek Me and live. Seek the Lord and live. Seek good, that you may live.”

Seek. Seek Me. Seek good. And Live. Seek Me and Live.

I sat in the quiet of my bedroom in the early morning putting those words together… seek Jesus and live. It may sound simple but those words have been hard for my heart to grasp. Somehow I’ve forgotten what it means to truly seek Jesus, what it means to truly be alive while doing so.

My heart hasn’t been able to grasp those words during this busy, unstable, and unstilled day. My heart hasn’t been able to grasp those words during the fast-past moments. But, I’m truly wanting to be still and allow my heart to grasp what God is trying to get across to me what it really means to seek Jesus and live; because somehow I’ve forgotten what it means to be still, to truly seek Jesus whole-heartedly and to live.

Seek Jesus and live…
Teresa

The words of a 5 year old…

Today I got to spend time with some of my favorite people in the world: my 8 year old neice Kiesha and my 5 year old nephew Ethan.I told my sister Britt today as her and I were watching Kiesha and Ethan play basketball near the house with my nephew/brother Tre: “I honestly hate seeing Kiesha and Ethan grow up so fast. But, I love how they’re finding even the most simple things amazing.”

Those words lingered on in my mind after spending hours of taking walks, playing basketball, picking flowers, watching Cars, playing soccer, eating snacks, singing songs, talking about family, friends, summer and Jesus, taking pictures and just watching the clouds.

There has been something amazingly refreshing today about being around them. I love how they’re finding the simpliest things adventurous and full of excitement. Even their onery smiles have created a fresher heart in me- even though they use it so often only to get what they want. *grin*

Today sweet Ethan and I went out on a walk. He asked for some time of just him and I, and so we started down the sidewalk hand-in-hand. We were walking down the street and he looked up at me with his precious brown eyes and the sweetest smile and said: “can you tell me more about Jesus? The things I don’t know. Can I know the whole story?” I suddenly had the biggest smile on my face that if anyone were to walk past they’d wonder what on earth could make me this happy and want it too!

The two of us kept walking and I simply told him: “Like I told you before, Jesus is and was perfect. There is nothing wrong with Jesus. He can’t sin.” Ethan asked me in wonder while grasping my hand: “What’s sin?” I said to him: “Sin is the wrong things that we do. Jesus can’t do those things. Sin is when we lie, when we hurt someone on purpose. And you know those people you see on tv that kill another person? That’s called murder, and killing someone is also a sin. Sin is the wrong things that we do, the wrong things that people do.” Ethan simply said back to me: “Oh… and Jesus can’t sin? Jesus is perfect?” “Yes, Ethan, Jesus is perfect, He doesn’t sin. I told you before that Jesus died for us, well, if Jesus wasn’t perfect then He couldn’t die for us. If Jesus sinned and did bad things you and I do then He couldn’t die for us because He would be a bad person also. But, we had to have a perfect Person die for us, and that was Jesus.” Ethan once again opened his mouth and amazed me with his words: “And Jesus was God and a person, right? Jesus, died. Why did Jesus get killed. How’d they kill Jesus?” “Jesus was on earth because God sent Him to earth because we sin, we do bad things. And Jesus had to die for the bad things that we do because He is the only perfect One. God had Jesus come to earth as God because He was perfect but also as human because He was covered in skin like us. He looked like us, talked like us, ate and felt like us.” Ethan sliley said: “Hmm… okay. I get that. But, why’d He die and how?” I said to him, still with his hand grasping mine and his brown eyes frequently looking up at mine as we walked: “People wanted to kill Jesus because He said He was the Son of God; which He was the Son of God because God sent Him to earth. People wanted to kill Him because He was perfect and said He knew and was God, the only One that could save them from their sins.”

Ethan asked me: “He said He was God and people wanted to kill Him for it?” I simply said back to him: “Yes.” And Ethan, full of confusion and anger and frusteration said back to me: “How dumb! That’s just dumb! They killed Him! How dumb.” After a few seconds of silence he asked me once again: “How did He die?” “Do you know what a cross looks like? (he said yes.) The people hung Him on a cross, they put nails in His hands and His feet to keep Him there. They let Him die, and His was mom was there to see it all happen. But do you know what else happens? ” Ethan looked up at me confused and full of wonder and he said: “No, what happens next?” “Well, after dying on the cross the people put Jesus into a tomb (I explained what the tomb was) and after 3 days Jesus came back to life! Ethan Jesus is the only Person who can come back to life. And you know what? Jesus knew it was going to happen. He knew He’d die for our sins, the bad things we do, but He also knew that He’d rise from the dead.” Ethan full of excitement let go of my hand, took a few steps infront of me and jumped as high as his little legs allowed. I said to him: “And Ethan when Jesus rose from the dead, He went back into Heaven. Do you know what that’s called? (he said no) it’s called ‘ascending,’ He ascended into Heaven, He left earth after dying for us and went back to Heaven.” I looked down at him and he had the biggest smile on his face. He ran and jumped a few feet ahead of me as he shouted: “Jesus went up and up. He went up again, again, again, again, and again and then He reached Heaven! He’s in Heaven now!” And then He giggled the rest of the walk back home… and he said to me many times: “Teresa, I love Jesus.”

The one last thing he said to me is what stuck. He grabbed my hand again and asked: “Teresa, why do some people go to Church when they don’t even like Jesus? Some people sleep in Church, some people don’t like Him.” I was in awe. I remember walking with him at that moment and saying the simple words of “Thank You Jesus.” I said to Ethan: “Some people don’t believe in Jesus, they don’t believe any of the things I told you. Some people just go to Church because they just go, some people want to know Jesus and others don’t. Some people want to follow Him and others don’t.” Then Ethan finally said to me: “How do you follow Jesus?” “Ethan, the older you are the easier it is for me to explain it to you. But, to follow Jesus you have to really believe what I just told you; and really love Jesus. When you follow Jesus you read your Bible, and go to Church… but those things aren’t the most important. You have to really love Jesus and do what He tells you to, you have to know what He tells you to do by reading the Bible. You really have to love Him, and want to love Him and believe in what He says.” Ethan finally said back to me: “Teresa, you know what? I really love Jesus. I really do.”

Opposites Attract

Sometimes I think that the title of a blog is the best part and when I thought of this one I already got excited about writing. *grin* I’ve always heard people say that “opposites attract” whenever someone is referring to people in a relationship. I’ve never really thought about it until this morning when I was having some time with Jesus. That may sound odd, but stay with me here.

This morning when I was reading, after reading so many paragraphs I caught myself praying over and over again. During one of the moments I paused and just sat in the early morning silence of my room. I wasn’t able to put together the words that were bottling up inside of me; the words that I wanted to somehow put together and say outloud.

During the moments of silence with my Bible in my lap and the sun shining through the curtains; I caught myself silently praying. Incase you don’t know, for me to pray silently is rare. I’m one who says everything outloud – even when it’s only me in the room, but especially during my time with Jesus.

During that moment I suddenly began to realize just how different Jesus and I truly are. In that simple, quick moment I realized the differences between Him and I. He is faithful in everything He does, I’m unfaithful. He is pure, holy, and consistent; I am made of flesh and blood and so many times give up or give in too quickly and easily. He gives 100% in everything He says/does/allows – and even in my ‘best’ moments doubt, guilt, fear and pride linger.

Those thoughts passed through my mind within only minutes… and finally I said words outloud: “we are so different, I don’t know why I’m finally realizing this. God, why do you still love me?”

After saying those words I felt a calming feeling come over me, one I haven’t allowed myself to be still or quiet long enough to grasp lately.

Those were the thoughts that I left my room with this morning: The God Almighty is a God that can work in me even when doubt, guilt, fear, pride, and discouragement are in my very being. And that opposites truly do attract, God truly does want me even though I fall short, I’m unfaithful, made of flesh and blood, and even though my ‘best’ moments aren’t the best.

Things Unseen

Monday or Tuesday afternoon I finished a book by one of my favorite authors. “Things Unseen: Living in Light of Forever” by Mark Buchanan. The book is basically about becoming heavenly-minded and not only or always thinking of things on this earth. I want to quickly share with you very few of the profound quotes that I’ve read in this book!

“Our deepest instinct is Heaven. Heaven is the ache in our bones, the splinter in our heart. Like the whisper of faraway waves we hear crashing in the whorls of a conch shell, the music of Heaven echoes, faint, elusive, haunting, beneath and within our daily rutines. There you are, standing at a window watching oak leaves flutter down from dark boughs, and without a warning your whole body fills with a longing for something you can’t name, something you’ve lost but never had, that you’re nostalgic for yet don’t remember. You sense a joy so huge it breaks you, a sorry so deep it cleanses.”(Buchanan quoting C.S. Lewis)
“If you read history, you will find that the Christians who did the most for the present world were just those who though most of the next. The apostles themselves, who set on foot the conversion of the Roman Empire, the great men who built up the Middle Ages, the English evangelicals who abolished the slave trade, all left their mark on earth, precisely because their minds were OCCUPIED WITH HEAVEN. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.”

“Take captive literally means to take prisoner. We take prisnor, he says, (referring to Paul) anything that tries to take us prisoner.”

“God is proud to be the God of the Heavenly-minded.”

The day I finished reading this book I talked to a friend of mine on the phone and we got to talking about this book and he said: “The book sounds good, but, does it only talk about being Heavenly-minded? Does it over emphasize being Heavenly-minded that it isn’t telling you how to be both? Does it tell you how to be earthly-minded and yet Heavenly-minded? Because if you’re only one then that’s not good either.”

That last quote that I shared with you made me think of a question and something I’ve been wondering since I’ve finished this book. This book mainly states how we become Heavenly-minded, which is the very first place to begin. But now my question is: how do we balance being Heavenly-minded and thinking upon things of this earth? Do they go hand-in-hand? If you have any thoughts please do share them with me. I’m not looking for a specific answer, only your thoughts.

Blessings….
Teresa