A glimpse of the Kingdom…

It’s roughly 9am in the morning and I’m sitting here in my pajamas… I’m surrounded by nothing but the stillness that came with this morning and the sweet sound of Shawn McDonald.

I woke up this morning at 6:30 to seeing a sky full of different shades of morning blues, glistening snow on rooftops and morning dew on the grass. I couldn’t help but smile.

I also (gladly) woke up to an empty house. My mom and Britt are out Christmas shopping, (this year I chose not to go, I’ve never really been a fan of it. This year I chose not to buy gifts. I’m putting all of the money I’d spend on gifts towards the organization I support, Gospel For Asia- http://www.gfa.org/) my dad is out running morning errands, and my brother Shawn (the only one of the four brothers who still lives at home) decided to make his way to a friends yesterday evening and stayed there for the night.

It was good to wake up to nothing but stillness and silence, knowing that my time with Jesus was going to be spent that way. I’ve been having a heavy-heart lately; but still, I’m in awe of it all…

I thought of something last night that happened months ago. I woke up this morning with it on my mind again, and thought I’d share it with you all. BUT, before I share I have to clarify something…

A few months ago I wrote a blog about a missions trip that I was planning on taking to India through Gospel For Asia this upcoming Summer. Many people have been asking me about it, and I wanted to let you guys know that is not happening anymore. Right now, I don’t feel like sharing the story or details of why not, but maybe I will in a later post.

Now… onto what I was going to share.

In June I was at a camp that I’ve been going to for years. I’ve been going to this Christian Camp since I was 10, that’s even before I became a follower of Jesus.

This year was no different then the others. Except for the fact that I felt that I had a heavier heart than ever; and I was desperately trying not to let that show. I was struggling immensly spiritually, loneliness had once again become a well known ‘friend’ in my life, and I was struggling with things about India. There was one day at camp that these things played even bigger roles in my life…

That morning I made my way to the tabernacle, outside in the sweltering heat. (I don’t know how people live in the South 24/7, when to me Ohio summers are damaging. *grin*) And when I sat down with the lovely ladies in my cabin and listened to the young man teach that morning and we worshipped; I couldn’t help but notice that a young lady a few rows away from me kept looking in my direction. When this young man was teaching I kept passing glances in her direction. The longer he taught the more I realized that she wasn’t only looking in my direction but directly at me.

Now… I am naturally a quiet and shy one. I don’t like people staring at me, I used to have a fear of looking people in the eye, I love meeting new people although I’m not good at it, I don’t accept compliments well… And having someone whom I didn’t know staring at me, wasn’t well taken on my behalf.

When the young man finished speaking I was one of the last ones out of the tabernacle. Everyone had cleared out except me, the band who had played, a few young campers in the back, the man who had taught, and this young lady in her early twenties who had been staring at me during some of the time in the tabernacle. She was sitting on one of the benches near the door that I was making my way to exit.

When I was close to leaving the tabernacle she surprisingly said to me: “can I talk with you for a moment?” So, after making my way over to her she said to me: “I know you don’t know who I am and I don’t know you, but I know someone who just met you. Jason Driver (look at blogs from this August, one entitled “No More Excuses”) shared with all of the counselors about how you had talked with him about India. He said you have such a heart for it and yet you’re struggling about going. I’m not here to talk with you about that…” After I let myself settle with the fact that Jason had shared what I told him about India with 12 other people, I simply said okay, wondering what it was then that she had called me over here for.

She hesitated, tried starting her sentences but getting no where. When after moments of sitting there she finally said: “I’ve been watching you a lot this week. Honestly, I don’t know what it is about you but you’ve been drawn to my attention, and obviously Jason’s as well. I don’t know you at all but from watching you – you seem like one of the most Godly young women that I have ever seen.” At that moment my jaw dropped. I had been staring down at the bench that I was sitting on while she was talking, but now I couldn’t help but look her in the face. Thoughts were running through my mind but the only word I could get out was “what?” And she said: “Yes, you seem to be one of the most Godly young women that I have ever seen. I see Him in you.”

After she said those words all of the things that I had been struggling with suddenly came rushing to my mind. I told her that I hadn’t been ‘feeling’ very Godly. That I had been struggling with pride, distractions, loneliness, forgiveness, a heavy-heart, and doubt. Nearly 5 times I repeatedly said to her: “how can you see me as someone Godly when right now I don’t see it in myself? You don’t even know me. I don’t understand this at all.” She simply said back to me: “You’ve been laid on my heart. You are a Godly young woman, whether you believe it right now or not – I see it. And we’re all going to struggle with things – but that doesn’t make you less of God’s or less Godly.” She left me with the words “I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you.” Her and I left eachother with a hug. And I walked away in awe…

I think that night during my time with Jesus I repeatedly said the words: ‘let me see myself the way she (I soon learned her name was Anne) saw me today, and the way that You continue to see me Jesus.’

I shared a few months back with a dear friend of mine, that for some reason I think we tend to usually see the bad in ourselves. I know I do, I’m a pro! *grin* I told her that maybe the reason we see the bad in ourselves so easily is because out of all people, we know ourselves the best. She agreed with me.

I went to bed last night and woke up this morning with those times on my mind and in my heart again. And I wanted to share them with you…

A question lately that has been on my mind is “how do we (as the Church) be the the Kingdom? And reflect the Kingdom?” I shared with a sweet someone earlier this week that so often I long for people to be the Kingdom towards me… I think 5 months ago Anne’s simple words gave me a glimpse of the Kingdom.

I’ve been working on two other posts, so more later…
Teresa

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Change….

It’s November and I was hoping that was enough of a reason for me to write… but it’s not. But, I’m writing anyway…

I’m sitting in a room with the humming of the fan and the sound of Bethany Dillon filling these ears. It always seems that way. The humming of the fan and music flowing aimlessly while sharing what’s been in my life and on my heart.

Life has been busy. One thing piling ontop of another, but still good. On Monday or Tuesday night I talked to a sweet friend of mine who lives on the other side of country. Most of our conversations consist of what God is doing in our lives, what we’re learning, coffee we’ve drank, books we’ve been reading, what people have said or been doing in our lives, and the ‘day-to-day’ happenings.

That evening our conversation started the same. Talked about things that filled that day when we both said that we’ve felt completely consumed. I don’t know about you – but I have never had anyone else say those words to me. I have never heard someone bluntly say to me (I’m normally the only one) “I feel completely consumed.” But, I said to to Mel and she quickly told me that she agreed and felt the same. Whew…

I don’t know about you; but I often wish there were a “pause” button that I could press when things surprisingly start moving too quickly or I just need a break. I can imagine ATLEAST a few of you know where I’m coming from. *grin* I’ve heard it said.

Last night I was with a dear friend of mine. I was sitting at the bar in her Kitchen (which is a famous place for our conversations) while she was doing something in the Kitchen. Out of the blue she asked me something along the line of: “Is there change?” I was more then kind of confused – I probably sat there giving her a blank stare; the kind that states “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I don’t even think I asked her to exlplain, but she continued to say: “Is God working in you; is He changing you?” For some reason the answer to that question seemed complicated. I kept starting my possible response with “Well, see” and not getting any farther. Then finally I told her that I’ve felt a bit stuck. I’ve felt distracted and comsumed with a lot of things. I’ve been desperate for Jesus.

For some reason I’ve come to be one who believes that when I feel like I’m standing still or feeling stuck that no work is being done. That nothing is possibly being taught or changed. Which I’m trying to also face the fact – that can’t possible be true because God isn’t an idle God.

Right now Bethany Dillon’s words are echoing in my ears:
You change me,
You change me.
Thank you Jesus,
I can see, You change me.

I’ve felt stuck, desperate, idle, needy, poor. (Psalm 86) And during the moments of prayer in my room I’ve lately found the words “Jesus, don’t let me stay where I am.” But last night I was thinking about the conversation me and Nance had about God’s changing us, and it made me think that my motivation behind those words were wrong. Last night I sat thinking about my time with God over the past few weeks and those words “Jesus, don’t let me stay where I am” echoed over and over again in my mind. But, I kept thinking that my motivation was that I’d be brought of this place of desperation and feeling stuck and consumed, and be brought to the place of its oppsite. But the more I think about that the more I realize it’s wrong. I think my motivation behind those words should be more like – wanting to be matured and growing, wanting not to stay in this place but to keep moving and growing in Jesus.

More later friends….

Teresa

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A Waste…

I woke up around 6 this morning to find fog outside. And hours later I was looking out the window to still see patches of fog and air that looked misty, with the sun’s rising beams beneath the roofs of houses across the street. And for some reason, I’ve loved that this morning. Its made me smile.

I know my last blog was not so short and not so sweet; but those words shared about places I have been in. Anyone who read and commented, read, or is yet to do either of those… I thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts about the places I’ve been in and my honesty.

In the midst of these things this morning I decided that I’m really going to get back to blogging. Believe it or not, I’ve missed writing here frequently and reading what other people think of the things that I’ve shared. The past few weeks I’ve been wanting to write but it just hasn’t been flowing, friends…. but alas, I’m writing today and with one thing in mind…

I don’t know if you have ever heard someone say something or do something that doesn’t seem to leave your mind or heart, even days after the words were said… but, this occasion seemed to bump into me Sunday night.

I shared with you in my last blog that I was with a few people who were sharing what has been on our hearts and about delighting in God – and how our words were just filled with honesty when sharing with one another. When we circled and prayed together we decided to go out to eat afterwards.

We were all sitting eating the food that we had just ordered when a young man in suite and tie suddenly comes up to my seat and leans next to me asking “Are you saved?” I looked at him and said “yes” expecting that he’d notice the confidence in my answer and walk away. But he didn’t. He said back to me “are you sure?” After the few shocking seconds of realizing that he had asked me again I answered “yes, I’m positive.” And he walked away placing a tiny piece of paper on the table in front of me reading words that I can’t remember, but things about abortion and supporting and loving the unborn.

After walking away from our table this young man (whom I soon found that he knew some of the people I was with that night, and that this young mans’ name was Jason) approached an older man sitting at the table diagonal from us, with the newspaper held above his face and his eyes scanning every word. Jason walked up to him and asked “Do you know Jesus? Are you saved.” The older man wasn’t distracted at all by Jason or his words – moments after Jason asked this question his eyes were still scanning every word. (by this time if Jason had looked over at my table he would’ve known that I was hooked and listening to every word that would be spoken by the two of them.) Jason leaned in closer to the man and asked “Do you go to Church regularly?” And the older man folded down his paper (by this time he was filled irritation) and said “I don’t think that’s any of your bussiness” and he stormed out of the resturaunt with his coffee and paper in hand, leaving Jason standing there.

After walking away from the table and doing ‘this and that’ Jason made his way back to our table. He stood there for a moment at the end of the table, where I was sitting; and he suddenly said “Did you hear that guy?” I/we shook our heads yes… and Jason said “He can just go to Hell! He’s a jerk!” At the end of that sentence I quickly looked towards Jason, who was right beside me, and said in brokenness “Man, what? What in the world did you just say?” And at that moment he shrugged his shoulders saying “well?” and walked away.

I have never been filled with such anger and brokenness at the same time. My face was hot, my throat was dry, and my heart was breaking. Those words were repeating over and over again – and this had only been nearly a minute after Jason had walked away. I looked around the table at the 10 dear friends of mine sitting with me that had just heard what this man had said. I said to them: “How in the world can he say that? What if we all treated the lost that way!?” And one said back to me “Teresa I think he was joking.” I’m sorry… but that is the least funniest joke that I have ever heard….

During the rest of our time there I was fighting back tears and repeatedly saying/asking “how in the world could he say that?”

I went home that night and ran into my room, locked the door, paced around my room praying with tears streaming down my face. I think I came to the point where my prayer wasn’t a whisper or an average volumed voice… I was broken and angry before God. I paced around the room constantly saying to and asking God countless words and questions about what had just filled an hour of my life.

These thoughts are still running through my mind and tearing at my heart.

Seriously friends, what if we ALL treated the lost that way? I do not understand how this young man walked up this older man with one thing in my mind: telling him about Jesus; and walked away thinking: he can go to Hell. Friends, we have a short time to walk to people with the intention that Jason first had… I have no idea how I will react if I find that we’d ALL walk away with the thoughts that Jason had while leaving this man.

What a waste of our lives. What a wasted life.

It has made me sick friends. If we are the Church, then lets act like it. The moment we take the words “he can just go to Hell” lightly, that is the moment that the lost just become another “group” of people in our minds, that is when anger fills our hearts and minds rather then love towards them. That is when telling them about Jesus is maybe, just maybe on our Top 10 list.

Seriously friends, have we really forgotten what the Church has always been about? Christ crucified, Him saving the lost and calling us to Him and to die to ourselves, and to show others Who He is. If Jason showed me a clear picture of how the Church is being represented or portrayed today – then Church, we need to wake up and truly be the Church – the followers of the one and only God.

It’s funny the more I think about it – I don’t ever remember reading the Bible and seeing that Jesus was complacent about people and them going to Hell. He never hinted at “you can just go to Hell.” His voice was never aloof, He never wanted someone to go to Hell because they didn’t respond the way He wished they had; He never wished for that. Friends, why would we condemn (with our words) someone to the Place we had just tried turning them (with God’s work in our lives – we could never do that alone – we aren’t God) away from?

Those are all the words I can seem to find right now. This is heavy on my heart and circling over and over again in my mind…

Good night friends…
SEEK Jesus and BE His!

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No sleep… but the sun is rising

Its been over a month since I’ve written – which if you’ve been reading here long you know that’s quite unusual. It hasn’t been a lack of things happening that has kept me from writing – infact its been the opposite. So many things have been happening and I haven’t found a way to gather them together into this one blog… but I’m trying.I tend to be one who losses sleep when things aren’t going well. My mind doesn’t seem to stop and I tend to overthink things. And my heart just won’t tire. I told a friend of mine yesterday that I woke up that morning from only 3 1/2 hours of sleep; and sadly today has began the same way.

I was sitting in the car yesterday with this same dear friend of mine, Nance. I’ve been friends with her for nearly 6 years. She tends to be that one person – who if you didn’t know that you were dealing with something then she could quickly bring it to your attention within a matter of minutes. She knows how to hit you in the spot that you didn’t want to go, but the place that needed to be visited. She knows how to open people, and open hearts. We were driving in her van when she looked over at me and said: “Teresa how is life going? How are you really doing?” I sat there and stared out the window for a moment and answered a few vague questions. Then she hit a certain few topics that I didn’t want to go to. I answered her briefly and then sighed and said that I didn’t feel like talking about it.

But that’s not true. I do want to talk about it. I have a lot of things to say, I just don’t know how to say them. I have somethings to say and things I’m feeling; but I don’t think it’s what people want to hear.

I sat in my bed last night talking with a dear friend of mine who I haven’t seen for weeks and finally got to hear his voice. He has to be one of the most Godly young men that I know – and I’ve missed that about him (now that he’s not in Ohio) so it was good to get a glimpse of that in him again over the phone. I caught up on how he was doing – I wanted to know. I think “how are you doing” seems to be one of the most unasked questions, or atleast the answers are seldomly cared about… and that truly makes me sad.

I shared with him how I’ve been doing – something I’ve been terribly struggling with. He said to me: “Teresa don’t do it on your own. Give it to God, Teresa don’t try to do it on your own.” Those words have been clinging to me.

After hanging up the phone I sat on the floor in the quietness of my room wondering what it was that led me to saying that I didn’t want to share with Nance yesterday. The only thing I’ve been led to is that I’ve really been trying to handle my life. I told my friend on the phone that lately I’ve been terrified of weakness, of showing weakness… sitting in the car with Nance, telling her how I’ve really been doing would show weakness.

I don’t know about you – but I really can’t handle my life; I don’t have complete control over it! Things tend to happen so quickly that I don’t have a moment to prepare for them or be on guard. So, I can’t handle my life. I don’t know why that 5 hours after the drive with Nance yesterday, that I finally began to be at peace with that and realizing this. I don’t know why that 5 hours earlier I couldn’t have realized that handling my life isn’t my own job – that my life in is Someone Elses hands… God’s. And maybe then I would’ve more easily or willingly shared with Nance.

I cannot handle my life; I don’t and will never have complete control over it.. The words: “Give it to God, don’t do it on your own” are replaying over and over again in my mind. I’ve really been trying to handle my life; trying to take every single thing under my own control. The words that my friend said on the phone have some how felt as if they’ve given me permission to realize that I’m not in control of my life – and that I’ve already been released of that BURDEN.

The burden of taking things upon my own shoulders, finding the right words and actions, dealing with everything as it comes my way, putting a guard up to be prepared, trying to hold things together, and trying to keep weaknesses hidden. It isn’t my job… and that isn’t my burden to carry alone.

For someone who says that “how are you” isn’t asked enough; I tend to confuse myself. Because yesterday when I was asked that question I was fearful to give the real answer.

So, I cannot handle my life and I don’t have complete control over it – and I’m not suppossed to.
It’s comforting to know that it’s not a bad thing to come before Jesus poor and needy.

“Hear O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy.” -Psalm 86:1
We’re promised to sometimes come before Jesus poor and needy, desperate and broken. But we are also promised that we don’t have to handle it on our own – and that Jesus doesn’t see that as a bad thing.Some people may see that as weakness – admitting that our own lives can’t be handled by ourselves. Some people may think that is where we ultimately fall… when we admit those words. But, I’m beginning to not see it like that (yes, I know I just completely contridicted what I was thinking yesterday.) I think that is the first step of courage and bravery… when we admit that we can’t do it on our own; that we are in desperate need of the only One Who is known to be faithful. Maybe even saying the words “I can’t handle my life, I can’t do it on my own” to Jesus, is what we were called to do all along… to give up what we thought was ours and rightfully hand it over to Jesus.

I’m sorry about this blog – it’s completely disconnected and scattered – a bit all over the place. But, I’m just full of thoughts this morning and desperate to share them.

God, help me to walk in Your promises.

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"No more excuses…."

It’s after 1am in Ohio. Those of you who know me well know that I’d usually be asleep 3 hours ago. But tonight that’s not happening, my body is tired but my mind can’t seem to settle and my heart can’t seem to rest. I’m trying to settle in with some David Crowder and writing this blog – but I’m not sure if this kind of thing ever helps.I have a story to share with you before I get to the meat of this blog… or atleast to where I’m planning on leading. First, let me tell you that I’m sorry for the confusion ahead of time… a big part of this is personal and I’m not wanting very many people to know about this yet until things are final.. or completely planned.

Last week I spent my days at a Youth Camp; one I’ve been going to off and on for 4 years. While I was there the last 4 days I had the chance to meet a new friend who was a councelor there. I got to meet him, talk with him and get to know him within those last 4 days. Since I’ve come back home I’ve been convinced of one thing: if I had 1 reason to be there that week then it would’ve been to’ve met this friend.

The last night we talked was our last day there. We have one major thing in common and most of our conversations have been wrapped around that – and I have been completely blessed by that! But, the last night we were there I came to him in tears over this thing… the one thing I was thankful for at that moment was the fact that we were standing outside in the dark so he wasn’t able to see my watery eyes. I told him that I’m full of doubt, fear and feeling enable for it (the thing we have in common), and that I’ve been struggling spiritually.

After I talked for a solid amount of minutes about where I’ve been and what I’m feeling he looked me in the eye and said: “we are always going to struggle, and our struggles are always going to be hard. Really hard.” I nodded in agreement with him. And then he put the things that were in his hands down on the wet ground and looked straight foward and then sideways toward me and said: “Teresa, someone said this to me once. Teresa, are these things excuses now, or are they really big things? Are fear, doubt, or feeling enable excuses for where you are right now – for what God is doing in you right now? Or are they really big things right now? Teresa, you’re fearful, doubtful, and feeling like you’re enable for this – but maybe you’re allowing them to become excuses. Someone said this to me before.. ‘no more excuses.’ Teresa, God wants the willing and I know you’re willing (for the thing we have in common); but maybe you’re now letting these things get in the way. Teresa, no more excuses.”

Fear, doubt and feeling unable feels so real to me right now. These places that God has allowed me to come into make me feel completely insecure and unprepared… completely enable for where I am and where I’m leading right now. Things that I’ve been thinking upon and hopefully planning for nearly a year now – but things that I never thought would happen. I don’t want excuses, but I think I may be full of them.

This morning I was having some time with Jesus and after praying to Him – the words “no more excuses” hit me hard. Literally. I sat there in the silence of my room and those words were suddenly brought to my attention again. No more excuses. I looked at the passages I just read and I realized that I’ve allowed excuses to become not only a part of the situation I’m in but also a part of my walk with Jesus. I’ve allowed my fear, guilt, sin, doubt, shame, and weariness become an excuse for being half-hearted, for questioning God. I’ve allowed the fact that I’m struggling with fear, guilt, sin, doubt, shame and weariness – make those very things seem okay.

Tonight those aren’t the words that I need, but this morning I did. Tonight I’m looking for words like: “seek Jesus, He is there” but like I shared with my friend… I’m prone to believe lies. I’m now prone to allow the fact that I can believe lies be an excuse for me. I haven’t been believing the truth about God in my life lately, and I’ve so terribly allowed that to make me think it’s okay to make excuses for myself. Tonight I’ve allowed myself to think over in my mind the past 2 weeks and how I’ve felt distant from God while trying to desperately seek Him – become an excuse for myself.I am fearful, doubtful and feeling enable – but I desperately what to come before Jesus with those things and not allow myself to hide in fear because of them.

I’m tired friends, but I want to listen to my friend’s advice and to seek Truth as well. I want to run to Jesus now even when I feel enable to. I want to trust His Truth even when I feel fearful, doubtful and enable… I want to trust He has me where He wants me even if I feel fearful, doubtful and enable in the midst of it…

I’m sorry for the wordi-ness but I had a point that I wanted to get across, but I’m not sure if I did. Writing this at 1 in the morning kind of hindered that…

I’m asking for prayer once again.

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A wrestless afternoon…

I’m sitting on the couch of a few friends of mine, I’m at their home that is nearly 2 hours away from my own. I woke up this morning at nearly 7 o’clock to find myself being the first one awake. I long for that in the morning, the mornings are especially the time that I need to myself; if I don’t get that then I feel as if my whole day is off track. I woke up this morning to having my time with Jesus, the cornfields right outside the window, and the shining morning sun. I loved it.But now it’s nearly 4 hours later and I’m feeling completely wrestless, completely unable to find peace and thrown out of my comfort zone. And I’ve felt desperate. The desperation I’ve felt has been more real then anything to me. It’s felt as if it’s been clinging to my very being and the very moment I’m given a glimpse of hope I’m then somehow reminded of the desperation that has found its place in me. I’ve been reminded of how incapable I am, how unfaithful and forgetful I am… and its been terribly hard.

This morning I read a verse in Pslam that I’ve been reading over and over for the past few weeks.

“Hear O LORD, and answer me. For I am poor and needy.” (86:1)
I’ve been trying and praying that those words would somehow settle in my heart. That I’d be reminded in this season that God sees the fact that I’m poor and needy as a good thing. That He knows I’m desperate and the very season that I’m in. I desperately want to be reminded that in the times God feels distant that His Promise still stands firm “Never will I leave or forsake you.”

Please do pray for me friends. I’ve been in place of desperation, feeling unfaithful and forgetful of Who Jesus truly is. I’m needy and poor and I trust that God will lead me to Him with that. I know that feeling desperate isn’t going to go away so quickly as I had hoped – and I could possibly be led to harder and rougher places then I am now. It could get harder before it gets easier.

“For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, like a great lion to Judah. I will tear them to pieces and go away; I will carry them off, with no one to rescue them. Then I will go back to my place until they admit their guilt. And they will seek My Face; in their misery they will earnestly seek Me.”

“Return, O Isreal, to the LORD your God. Your sins have been your downfall! Take words with you and return to the LORD. Say to Him: “Forgive all our sins and receive us graciously, that we may offer the fruit of our lips. Assyria cannot save us; we will not mount war-horses. We will never again say ‘Our gods’ to what our own hands have made, for in You the fatherless find compassion.”

I will heal their waywardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them. (Hosea 5:14-15, 14:1-4)

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Teresa = MIA

I’ve been up for nearly 3 hours now, and when I woke up this morning I looked out the window to see a gray – gloomy ‘morning’ sky. It looks like rain… actually, it looks like rain for the next 2 or 3 days. I sometimes love the rain and thunderstorms, but I hate waking up to them.It has been nearly a month since I’ve written – there have been many things that I’ve wanted to write about: places I’ve been and the places I’m going, the amazing people I’ve met, the many things God has been weighing in on my heart, things with family and things with other loved ones. I am sitting here wondering how I’m going to be able to write about everything that has been in my heart and on my mind; but I don’t think it’s possible.

The last month has been crazy. I’ve been spending most of my time in cars, other people’s houses and other people’s churches. I’ve been running from here to there… from a Missions trip for 6 days, to being home for 6 days and then leaving for 7 more. And now I’ve been back home for 4 days and I have 4 left to go until I’m gone again for 5 and then home for 3 or 4 and then gone for 6 more. Believe me, it can get exhausting friends!

There are bags and suitcases to pack, things to buy and people to get inthouch with to make sure things are planned right. And very little time for life. Very little time to truly catch-up and have a conversation with dear friends of mine, little time to have peace and quiet and have familiarity again, and very little time to truly reflect on what has been put into my heart and mind during a weekly Bible Study… let alone very little time to be completely quieted and stilled before God.

Sometimes, (like this morning) I’m wishing life had a ‘pause’ button. A button that makes it so that I’m the only one moving and that when I feel completely ready again – then I can press the ‘go’ button. Too bad life doesn’t have one of those, I know many people who have wished that along with me. *grin*

When I left for the Missions trip it was good. Good to meet so many amazing new people (may have a blog up about them soon.) Good to learn what it truly means to have a servants heart and what it means to realize that God is capable even when I doubt that He is, and that He can work through and in me even when I feel completely enable.

The week after that I got to spend with my brothers Bryan and Mike and my brother Bryans’ family. It was refreshing in ways, and yet de-freshing in others (I know, I’m not sure if that’s a word either.) Our last night there, my sister Britt and my brother Bryan and I were all sitting around the Kitchen table sharing what God has been teaching us and where we’ve been in life lately and simply how we were doing. I haven’t had anyone ask me that or have anyone share that with me in awhile – so those words were spoken at just the right time. *grin*

And now, for 4 more days I am home. Spending time with family, having Bible Study, having time with Jesus, sleeping in my own bed and catching up on rest, and desperately trying to catch-up with friends that I’ve been missing.

Saturday afternoon I’m leaving to spend a few days with dear friends of mine that I haven’t had the chance to see since December! I may be exhausted and wanting/needing a few things that I haven’t been able to have in the past month, but I am terribly excited about this next week. To sit around the table like we did the last time I was there – and share about where our hearts have been, what God is teaching/doing in us, and what life has brought to us. To work together on things that need to be done. And to eat together, share coffee, watch movies, laugh and take walks… I’m excited.

I have more to share. I just wanted to write a ‘where-in-the-world-have-I-been’ blog (literally.) I have more to write about where God has had me and what He’s been allowing to weigh in on my heart, and a few other things.

Thanks for reading… please do comment, I’d love to hear from you. 🙂

Teresa

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Seek!

Today has been one of those busy days. One of those days that I wish I could find the quiet and be still for only a moment; but that’s kind of hard with nine people running around the house. Usually a simple friendly voice that I haven’t heard for quite some time, a song I love, or a simple smile can comfort me. But even the sweet music of Bethany Dillon in my ears has left me frusterated and longing for the quiet that I haven’t been able to find… inside or out. Today has been one of those days when I’ve only been able to see “home” for a moment; I haven’t been “home” since 10am and finally stepped foot back into it at 7:00pm… yeah, today has been one of those days.I woke up this morning longing to be near Jesus after a rough nights sleep and after the past night of struggling with Him. In the quiet of the house slightly before 7am I knew it’d be the only time to try and be quiet and still for that one moment. In the quietness of my room I wasn’t able to be stilled or quieted, to be relaxed or calmed; but God did briefly breathe something into my heart that I’ve never heard. Something that I haven’t been able to be still enough to completely grasp, but, yet, something that I feel I’m going to be holding onto for awhile… even while I’m struggling.

This morning I was reading through Zephaniah and a few chapters in Amos. Amos isn’t normally a book I read, I’ve only read it 3 or 4 times in the past almost 2 years I’ve been following Jesus… but for some reason the heading: “A Lament and Call to Repentance” stood out at me.

Through reading chapter 5 very few words stuck out at me, I’m not sure why these words did, but God has been desperately trying to wrap them around my heart.

This is what the LORD says to the house of Isreal: “SEEK ME and LIVE.”
“SEEK the LORD and LIVE.”
“SEEK good, not evil, that you may LIVE.” (5:4, 6a, 14a)

Those simple, short verses weren’t placed together and put in big letters in God’s Word… but somehow those were the words that stuck out at me, the words that God peirced me with, the words that God has been trying to wrap around my heart and somehow allow me to grasp.

“Seek Me and live. Seek the Lord and live. Seek good, that you may live.”

Seek. Seek Me. Seek good. And Live. Seek Me and Live.

I sat in the quiet of my bedroom in the early morning putting those words together… seek Jesus and live. It may sound simple but those words have been hard for my heart to grasp. Somehow I’ve forgotten what it means to truly seek Jesus, what it means to truly be alive while doing so.

My heart hasn’t been able to grasp those words during this busy, unstable, and unstilled day. My heart hasn’t been able to grasp those words during the fast-past moments. But, I’m truly wanting to be still and allow my heart to grasp what God is trying to get across to me what it really means to seek Jesus and live; because somehow I’ve forgotten what it means to be still, to truly seek Jesus whole-heartedly and to live.

Seek Jesus and live…
Teresa

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The words of a 5 year old…

Today I got to spend time with some of my favorite people in the world: my 8 year old neice Kiesha and my 5 year old nephew Ethan.I told my sister Britt today as her and I were watching Kiesha and Ethan play basketball near the house with my nephew/brother Tre: “I honestly hate seeing Kiesha and Ethan grow up so fast. But, I love how they’re finding even the most simple things amazing.”

Those words lingered on in my mind after spending hours of taking walks, playing basketball, picking flowers, watching Cars, playing soccer, eating snacks, singing songs, talking about family, friends, summer and Jesus, taking pictures and just watching the clouds.

There has been something amazingly refreshing today about being around them. I love how they’re finding the simpliest things adventurous and full of excitement. Even their onery smiles have created a fresher heart in me- even though they use it so often only to get what they want. *grin*

Today sweet Ethan and I went out on a walk. He asked for some time of just him and I, and so we started down the sidewalk hand-in-hand. We were walking down the street and he looked up at me with his precious brown eyes and the sweetest smile and said: “can you tell me more about Jesus? The things I don’t know. Can I know the whole story?” I suddenly had the biggest smile on my face that if anyone were to walk past they’d wonder what on earth could make me this happy and want it too!

The two of us kept walking and I simply told him: “Like I told you before, Jesus is and was perfect. There is nothing wrong with Jesus. He can’t sin.” Ethan asked me in wonder while grasping my hand: “What’s sin?” I said to him: “Sin is the wrong things that we do. Jesus can’t do those things. Sin is when we lie, when we hurt someone on purpose. And you know those people you see on tv that kill another person? That’s called murder, and killing someone is also a sin. Sin is the wrong things that we do, the wrong things that people do.” Ethan simply said back to me: “Oh… and Jesus can’t sin? Jesus is perfect?” “Yes, Ethan, Jesus is perfect, He doesn’t sin. I told you before that Jesus died for us, well, if Jesus wasn’t perfect then He couldn’t die for us. If Jesus sinned and did bad things you and I do then He couldn’t die for us because He would be a bad person also. But, we had to have a perfect Person die for us, and that was Jesus.” Ethan once again opened his mouth and amazed me with his words: “And Jesus was God and a person, right? Jesus, died. Why did Jesus get killed. How’d they kill Jesus?” “Jesus was on earth because God sent Him to earth because we sin, we do bad things. And Jesus had to die for the bad things that we do because He is the only perfect One. God had Jesus come to earth as God because He was perfect but also as human because He was covered in skin like us. He looked like us, talked like us, ate and felt like us.” Ethan sliley said: “Hmm… okay. I get that. But, why’d He die and how?” I said to him, still with his hand grasping mine and his brown eyes frequently looking up at mine as we walked: “People wanted to kill Jesus because He said He was the Son of God; which He was the Son of God because God sent Him to earth. People wanted to kill Him because He was perfect and said He knew and was God, the only One that could save them from their sins.”

Ethan asked me: “He said He was God and people wanted to kill Him for it?” I simply said back to him: “Yes.” And Ethan, full of confusion and anger and frusteration said back to me: “How dumb! That’s just dumb! They killed Him! How dumb.” After a few seconds of silence he asked me once again: “How did He die?” “Do you know what a cross looks like? (he said yes.) The people hung Him on a cross, they put nails in His hands and His feet to keep Him there. They let Him die, and His was mom was there to see it all happen. But do you know what else happens? ” Ethan looked up at me confused and full of wonder and he said: “No, what happens next?” “Well, after dying on the cross the people put Jesus into a tomb (I explained what the tomb was) and after 3 days Jesus came back to life! Ethan Jesus is the only Person who can come back to life. And you know what? Jesus knew it was going to happen. He knew He’d die for our sins, the bad things we do, but He also knew that He’d rise from the dead.” Ethan full of excitement let go of my hand, took a few steps infront of me and jumped as high as his little legs allowed. I said to him: “And Ethan when Jesus rose from the dead, He went back into Heaven. Do you know what that’s called? (he said no) it’s called ‘ascending,’ He ascended into Heaven, He left earth after dying for us and went back to Heaven.” I looked down at him and he had the biggest smile on his face. He ran and jumped a few feet ahead of me as he shouted: “Jesus went up and up. He went up again, again, again, again, and again and then He reached Heaven! He’s in Heaven now!” And then He giggled the rest of the walk back home… and he said to me many times: “Teresa, I love Jesus.”

The one last thing he said to me is what stuck. He grabbed my hand again and asked: “Teresa, why do some people go to Church when they don’t even like Jesus? Some people sleep in Church, some people don’t like Him.” I was in awe. I remember walking with him at that moment and saying the simple words of “Thank You Jesus.” I said to Ethan: “Some people don’t believe in Jesus, they don’t believe any of the things I told you. Some people just go to Church because they just go, some people want to know Jesus and others don’t. Some people want to follow Him and others don’t.” Then Ethan finally said to me: “How do you follow Jesus?” “Ethan, the older you are the easier it is for me to explain it to you. But, to follow Jesus you have to really believe what I just told you; and really love Jesus. When you follow Jesus you read your Bible, and go to Church… but those things aren’t the most important. You have to really love Jesus and do what He tells you to, you have to know what He tells you to do by reading the Bible. You really have to love Him, and want to love Him and believe in what He says.” Ethan finally said back to me: “Teresa, you know what? I really love Jesus. I really do.”

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Opposites Attract

Sometimes I think that the title of a blog is the best part and when I thought of this one I already got excited about writing. *grin* I’ve always heard people say that “opposites attract” whenever someone is referring to people in a relationship. I’ve never really thought about it until this morning when I was having some time with Jesus. That may sound odd, but stay with me here.

This morning when I was reading, after reading so many paragraphs I caught myself praying over and over again. During one of the moments I paused and just sat in the early morning silence of my room. I wasn’t able to put together the words that were bottling up inside of me; the words that I wanted to somehow put together and say outloud.

During the moments of silence with my Bible in my lap and the sun shining through the curtains; I caught myself silently praying. Incase you don’t know, for me to pray silently is rare. I’m one who says everything outloud – even when it’s only me in the room, but especially during my time with Jesus.

During that moment I suddenly began to realize just how different Jesus and I truly are. In that simple, quick moment I realized the differences between Him and I. He is faithful in everything He does, I’m unfaithful. He is pure, holy, and consistent; I am made of flesh and blood and so many times give up or give in too quickly and easily. He gives 100% in everything He says/does/allows – and even in my ‘best’ moments doubt, guilt, fear and pride linger.

Those thoughts passed through my mind within only minutes… and finally I said words outloud: “we are so different, I don’t know why I’m finally realizing this. God, why do you still love me?”

After saying those words I felt a calming feeling come over me, one I haven’t allowed myself to be still or quiet long enough to grasp lately.

Those were the thoughts that I left my room with this morning: The God Almighty is a God that can work in me even when doubt, guilt, fear, pride, and discouragement are in my very being. And that opposites truly do attract, God truly does want me even though I fall short, I’m unfaithful, made of flesh and blood, and even though my ‘best’ moments aren’t the best.

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