A glimpse of the Kingdom…

It’s roughly 9am in the morning and I’m sitting here in my pajamas… I’m surrounded by nothing but the stillness that came with this morning and the sweet sound of Shawn McDonald.

I woke up this morning at 6:30 to seeing a sky full of different shades of morning blues, glistening snow on rooftops and morning dew on the grass. I couldn’t help but smile.

I also (gladly) woke up to an empty house. My mom and Britt are out Christmas shopping, (this year I chose not to go, I’ve never really been a fan of it. This year I chose not to buy gifts. I’m putting all of the money I’d spend on gifts towards the organization I support, Gospel For Asia- http://www.gfa.org/) my dad is out running morning errands, and my brother Shawn (the only one of the four brothers who still lives at home) decided to make his way to a friends yesterday evening and stayed there for the night.

It was good to wake up to nothing but stillness and silence, knowing that my time with Jesus was going to be spent that way. I’ve been having a heavy-heart lately; but still, I’m in awe of it all…

I thought of something last night that happened months ago. I woke up this morning with it on my mind again, and thought I’d share it with you all. BUT, before I share I have to clarify something…

A few months ago I wrote a blog about a missions trip that I was planning on taking to India through Gospel For Asia this upcoming Summer. Many people have been asking me about it, and I wanted to let you guys know that is not happening anymore. Right now, I don’t feel like sharing the story or details of why not, but maybe I will in a later post.

Now… onto what I was going to share.

In June I was at a camp that I’ve been going to for years. I’ve been going to this Christian Camp since I was 10, that’s even before I became a follower of Jesus.

This year was no different then the others. Except for the fact that I felt that I had a heavier heart than ever; and I was desperately trying not to let that show. I was struggling immensly spiritually, loneliness had once again become a well known ‘friend’ in my life, and I was struggling with things about India. There was one day at camp that these things played even bigger roles in my life…

That morning I made my way to the tabernacle, outside in the sweltering heat. (I don’t know how people live in the South 24/7, when to me Ohio summers are damaging. *grin*) And when I sat down with the lovely ladies in my cabin and listened to the young man teach that morning and we worshipped; I couldn’t help but notice that a young lady a few rows away from me kept looking in my direction. When this young man was teaching I kept passing glances in her direction. The longer he taught the more I realized that she wasn’t only looking in my direction but directly at me.

Now… I am naturally a quiet and shy one. I don’t like people staring at me, I used to have a fear of looking people in the eye, I love meeting new people although I’m not good at it, I don’t accept compliments well… And having someone whom I didn’t know staring at me, wasn’t well taken on my behalf.

When the young man finished speaking I was one of the last ones out of the tabernacle. Everyone had cleared out except me, the band who had played, a few young campers in the back, the man who had taught, and this young lady in her early twenties who had been staring at me during some of the time in the tabernacle. She was sitting on one of the benches near the door that I was making my way to exit.

When I was close to leaving the tabernacle she surprisingly said to me: “can I talk with you for a moment?” So, after making my way over to her she said to me: “I know you don’t know who I am and I don’t know you, but I know someone who just met you. Jason Driver (look at blogs from this August, one entitled “No More Excuses”) shared with all of the counselors about how you had talked with him about India. He said you have such a heart for it and yet you’re struggling about going. I’m not here to talk with you about that…” After I let myself settle with the fact that Jason had shared what I told him about India with 12 other people, I simply said okay, wondering what it was then that she had called me over here for.

She hesitated, tried starting her sentences but getting no where. When after moments of sitting there she finally said: “I’ve been watching you a lot this week. Honestly, I don’t know what it is about you but you’ve been drawn to my attention, and obviously Jason’s as well. I don’t know you at all but from watching you – you seem like one of the most Godly young women that I have ever seen.” At that moment my jaw dropped. I had been staring down at the bench that I was sitting on while she was talking, but now I couldn’t help but look her in the face. Thoughts were running through my mind but the only word I could get out was “what?” And she said: “Yes, you seem to be one of the most Godly young women that I have ever seen. I see Him in you.”

After she said those words all of the things that I had been struggling with suddenly came rushing to my mind. I told her that I hadn’t been ‘feeling’ very Godly. That I had been struggling with pride, distractions, loneliness, forgiveness, a heavy-heart, and doubt. Nearly 5 times I repeatedly said to her: “how can you see me as someone Godly when right now I don’t see it in myself? You don’t even know me. I don’t understand this at all.” She simply said back to me: “You’ve been laid on my heart. You are a Godly young woman, whether you believe it right now or not – I see it. And we’re all going to struggle with things – but that doesn’t make you less of God’s or less Godly.” She left me with the words “I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you.” Her and I left eachother with a hug. And I walked away in awe…

I think that night during my time with Jesus I repeatedly said the words: ‘let me see myself the way she (I soon learned her name was Anne) saw me today, and the way that You continue to see me Jesus.’

I shared a few months back with a dear friend of mine, that for some reason I think we tend to usually see the bad in ourselves. I know I do, I’m a pro! *grin* I told her that maybe the reason we see the bad in ourselves so easily is because out of all people, we know ourselves the best. She agreed with me.

I went to bed last night and woke up this morning with those times on my mind and in my heart again. And I wanted to share them with you…

A question lately that has been on my mind is “how do we (as the Church) be the the Kingdom? And reflect the Kingdom?” I shared with a sweet someone earlier this week that so often I long for people to be the Kingdom towards me… I think 5 months ago Anne’s simple words gave me a glimpse of the Kingdom.

I’ve been working on two other posts, so more later…
Teresa

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A weekend and a book

Hello friends. I was going to write yesterday but I got to do something I haven’t done in months. Something that most of us long for throughout the day. Something I’ve been thinking about nonstop for the past few weeks. Something I’ve been desperately wanting for the past few weeks as well. *drum roll please*…

I got to take a nap. 🙂 Did it add up to the hype? *grin*

Anyway…

This weekend I made my way up North near Sandusky or Mansfield, Ohio. 17 of us from my Youth Group were going on a Retreat with our Youth Pastor Phil and his lovely wife (my dear friend) Caroline. Britt and I were talking about it Thursday night. She told me that she wanted to stay home more then go on the retreat. I didn’t tell her this, but I agreed completely.

Friday evening I sat next to my dear friend Caroline as she was driving, as we were making our way a few hours to the Retreat with 6 girls in the backseat. Most of the time when her and I weren’t talking or engaging in conversation or laughter from the backseat, I found myself gazing out the window or leaning foward with my elbow on my knee and my chin in my hand, wondering why I wasn’t reacting the way I wish I was toward the retreat. While back home, after paying $40 and packing I had almost changed my mind completely in deciding not to go. Thank God that I didn’t…

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I truly need to get away. Sometimes I’m desperate for it. Sometimes I truly need to be surrounded by people who are desperate for Jesus and love Him as much as I do; people who are broken, poor, needy, joyful, loving, free, compassionate, saved, desperate, and who want pure devotion. Friends… it was amazing to soak in. 🙂

Praise God.

Before I get to the meat of this blog, I want to ask for prayer friends. We got a call from my 9 year old neice yesterday; sadly, while I was napping. She told us that her grandmother had just died of cancer a few hours before that. Today my family and I are making our way to the viewing – I knew this lovely woman alittle when I was younger. I just ask for your prayers – for my neice and nephew and their Mom. Just pray that we can comfort them; and just that they would allow this to be a time that they would seek out Jesus and allow Him to save and comfort them…

On happier note…
If you know me at all, even just a tad, you know that I’m one who loves to read. I gained a love for it sometime after I began following Jesus. When I began following Jesus alittle over 2 years ago, I wanted to soak in everything about the Christian faith. Besides the Bible I read books by C.S. Lewis, Mark Buchanan, Donald Miller and Brennan Manning. Thankfully, I still love it.

I’m not one who normally likes fiction. Infact if you’d ask me, I’d most likely tell you that I hate it… and hate is a strong word. In the past few weeks I’ve learned that I don’t necessarily hate fiction; but I only like well-written fiction. Why am I sharing this? Because… that should give you a glimpse at just how remarkable this book that I’m about to share truly is.

The Kite Runner…

I know the The author is Khaled Hosseini. He is from Kabul Afghanistan and I’m pretty sure he’s a Muslim. I could be like a lot of people are today and allow those things to make me flinch, and take a step back. But I try not to be like a lot of people. And that has led me to believe he has to be one of the most well-written men.

I normally devour books. This one I took my time with. It almost seemed like if I read it too fast and too soon, I wouldn’t get the full affect, that I’d be missing someting.

“There’s a way to be good again” is one of the phrases used multiple times throughout this book. I’ve started questioning it this week. I know that Hosseini’s words and my thoughts on this probably differ. I know that in the book the main man wants to be “good” again to experience forgiveness and not hold onto his regrets from the past. But, the one thought that comes to my mind is that the way to be made “good” doesn’t really exsist. I only think there is a Way to be made clean and forgiven – and that’s through God. I think even being made clean and forgiven won’t completely make me good – because I still sin.

This has to be one of the best books that I’ve read. It is a novel about 2 young boys living in Afghanistan who differ greatly socially. One is rich another his servant. These young boys are friends, but their relationship is an odd one… but maybe one that I think we may experience or witness more then we think. One boy betrays the other and things end up a mess. But, the story unfolds in redemption, in brokenness and forgiveness… a young man truly wanting to know if he has a way to be “good” again.

Hmm… leave it to a novel by a young man in Afghanistan – to bring forth the question, “can we really be “good?”‘ For me, that doesn’t need questioned… but obviously Hosseini questioned it, I bet others do as well…

Please share your thoughts friends…

Teresa

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Change….

It’s November and I was hoping that was enough of a reason for me to write… but it’s not. But, I’m writing anyway…

I’m sitting in a room with the humming of the fan and the sound of Bethany Dillon filling these ears. It always seems that way. The humming of the fan and music flowing aimlessly while sharing what’s been in my life and on my heart.

Life has been busy. One thing piling ontop of another, but still good. On Monday or Tuesday night I talked to a sweet friend of mine who lives on the other side of country. Most of our conversations consist of what God is doing in our lives, what we’re learning, coffee we’ve drank, books we’ve been reading, what people have said or been doing in our lives, and the ‘day-to-day’ happenings.

That evening our conversation started the same. Talked about things that filled that day when we both said that we’ve felt completely consumed. I don’t know about you – but I have never had anyone else say those words to me. I have never heard someone bluntly say to me (I’m normally the only one) “I feel completely consumed.” But, I said to to Mel and she quickly told me that she agreed and felt the same. Whew…

I don’t know about you; but I often wish there were a “pause” button that I could press when things surprisingly start moving too quickly or I just need a break. I can imagine ATLEAST a few of you know where I’m coming from. *grin* I’ve heard it said.

Last night I was with a dear friend of mine. I was sitting at the bar in her Kitchen (which is a famous place for our conversations) while she was doing something in the Kitchen. Out of the blue she asked me something along the line of: “Is there change?” I was more then kind of confused – I probably sat there giving her a blank stare; the kind that states “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I don’t even think I asked her to exlplain, but she continued to say: “Is God working in you; is He changing you?” For some reason the answer to that question seemed complicated. I kept starting my possible response with “Well, see” and not getting any farther. Then finally I told her that I’ve felt a bit stuck. I’ve felt distracted and comsumed with a lot of things. I’ve been desperate for Jesus.

For some reason I’ve come to be one who believes that when I feel like I’m standing still or feeling stuck that no work is being done. That nothing is possibly being taught or changed. Which I’m trying to also face the fact – that can’t possible be true because God isn’t an idle God.

Right now Bethany Dillon’s words are echoing in my ears:
You change me,
You change me.
Thank you Jesus,
I can see, You change me.

I’ve felt stuck, desperate, idle, needy, poor. (Psalm 86) And during the moments of prayer in my room I’ve lately found the words “Jesus, don’t let me stay where I am.” But last night I was thinking about the conversation me and Nance had about God’s changing us, and it made me think that my motivation behind those words were wrong. Last night I sat thinking about my time with God over the past few weeks and those words “Jesus, don’t let me stay where I am” echoed over and over again in my mind. But, I kept thinking that my motivation was that I’d be brought of this place of desperation and feeling stuck and consumed, and be brought to the place of its oppsite. But the more I think about that the more I realize it’s wrong. I think my motivation behind those words should be more like – wanting to be matured and growing, wanting not to stay in this place but to keep moving and growing in Jesus.

More later friends….

Teresa

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