Ahh… its been over a week since I’ve written. I kept looking at the date of my last blog during this week and wondered why I haven’t written. I’ve had things to share, but for some reason I just haven’t shared them.
I’m a writer, I love the power of words, I’m drawn to them. Infact, I think I love the power of written words more then when they are actually spoken. Anyway, this is to say, even though I love the written word, sometimes I get stuck. Sometimes I find myself erasing every word I write on here because the words seem to fail to describe what I intended to share. I get stuck sometimes. I think that’s where I’ve been this week and that’s what had led to the lack of writing.
A few weeks ago I spent time with Caroline, a very dear friend of mine. She is amazing; and probably one of the people in my life who knows me best. When I spend time with her I do it having a kind of expectancy… (let me explain)
She’s a 26 year old woman (I’ve always been one to get along better with people older than me rather then someone my age) with a husband (who is my Youth Pastor) and a one year old daughter, and yet child-likeness is so evident in her being. She randomly dances in the Kitchen, no matter what she’s doing – cooking, talking, singing, thinking, doing dishes, sorting papers. She makes some of the best silly faces I have ever seen; I can’t help but laugh. Playing, hiking, and exploring in the woods comes joyously to her; infact, we went hiking a few weeks ago and she insisted that she be the leader of the crew. She finds joy in simple things.
The evening I was with her we talked on my ride home from her house. I had felt so stuck and had been dealing with quite a struggle. She let me pour out every thought and feeling, and allowed all of my words to be filled with complete honesty. (if you haven’t read my post before this one, about writing and honesty please do!) She gets me… she has a listening ear and heart, and when she spoke it only created new thoughts in me – things that I hadn’t even realized until she shared them.
Earlier that week I told Britt (my sweet sister) that week had been filled with some of the hardest days in my life; and that is no exaggeration friends.
Truth is… I had been struggling with a private sin. No one knew about it, I hadn’t even recognized it; but when I did it hit me like a forced cannon shot. One that keeps repeating its hit until you surrender to move and get out of the way. One that repeats until you admit the fact that the cannon shot hitting you was deserved, and that the only way to get the shot to stop is to admit that you were wrong for doing the thing you did that led to the cannon shot in the first place.
It took me 6 years to finally realize that this big part of my life was sin. As long as I was keeping certain thoughts and feelings, my distance, hatred, selfishness, and unforgiveness towards a certain person – that I was living in sin against God. Call it whatever you want to – stubbornness, blindness.. whatever it may be.
That week on Sunday evening I was on car ride home from youth group with my friend, Jess. She simply asked me how I was doing and after ‘beating around the bush’ I bluntly told her that I had been struggling spiritually, with certain things at home and with loneliness. Somehow she got to the just of what I was saying (I will skip some words said) and we realized that I was clearly living in sin.
I told her my thoughts and feelings toward a person – ones that I’ve been having for the past 6 years. She knew what this person had done to cause them, and I told her that I hadn’t forgiven that person. Jess told me that I was commanded to forgive as a follower of Jesus – and we both recognized that if I wouldn’t forgive this person then I would be knowingly living in sin against God…. and I cannot put into words how much that broke me.
Friends, honestly, I have never been more fearful of God than I was that week. Everytime I came before Him I asked desperately for mercy – that the feeling of conviction would not leave until I forgave this person and asked God for His forgiveness for not doing so sooner and not at all.
That Tuesday night was probably one of the hardest. If my bedroom door had been unlocked and someone had walked in – I probably would’ve looked pretty hysterical to them. Because I had done something that I only find myself doing when I’m truly humbled, desperate, broken, poor and needy. I made my way off of my bed, filled with tears I crawled on the floor and layed there before God on my hands and knees. My fists were gripping the carpet with every word I prayed and every tear I cried. Most of the time the only words that I could hear myself utter were: “God please have mercy on me. I cannot do this on my own, if I do, I will make the wrong decision. I feel so distant, I am desperate for You Lord. And, I never wanted to become okay with my own sin.”
The next 6 days had been one of the hardest days of my life. Questions were asked of me by Caroline and Jess that made me fear what my answer would be. I found myself knowingly living in sin – I had become okay with my own sin, something I had ‘sworn’ that I would never do. And I had allowed my bitterness toward someone stop me from being faithful to God.
When I talked to Jess and Caroline I told them that I had fear of forigving this person. I told them that I didn’t want to forgive this person because forgiving them meant that I had to mend things – and for some reason my bitterness toward this person was more comfortable for me rather then mending things… For some reason I would rather be angry, frusterated, and hurt rather then have to admit the fact that I needed to forgive someone and be forgiven – that seems like a kind of weakness to me. I guess somewhere along the way, something taught me that it wasn’t okay to be vunerable, weak or honest and that if you were then you’d be giving someone the upper hand in your life and the chance to hurt you again. Forgiving someone and mending something, for some reason, in my mind that was a type of weakness.
In that week I learned a few things:
1)That pride and selfishness was possibly the root of my unforgiveness. 2)That I didn’t fear that the sin this person had done against me would happen again; but that I wanted to just hold onto my bitterness on the fact that it had happened before. 3)And that Jesus not only died for my sin in the past but for my sin here and now, and in the future (yes, I’ve been a follower of Jesus for 2 years and that has finally settled in.) 4) Also that it’s hard for me to know that if this person hadn’t done what they did than maybe the just of my past would be different. Maybe I wouldn’t have made most of the mistakes I did during the ages of 10-13… Hmm… I guess I’m a “maybe” and “what if” kind of girl.
Friends… after 2 weeks of struggling with this I finally did come to this person and bluntly told them all the things I’ve shared with you – which led to me forgiving them. He just so happens to be my Dad. For 6 years I had held bitterness towards him, distanced myself from him, wished he hadn’t been a part of my life, wondered why he was the way he was, felt abandoned, felt unwanted, and felt unloved. Honestly though, many of those things may stay with me. When I talked to another friend of mine, Nance, about this I told her bluntly that I was fearful that maybe things wouldn’t change after I forgave him. That maybe my dad would be the same dad, that maybe the feelings of abandonment, unwanted, and unloved would still take place in my very being. It’s no longer a fear of mending things, but of realizing that I’m the only one willing to press on to that. I’m never promised that someone will react the way I do or want them to, or that feelings of my childhood will ever go away – I am promised that if I don’t forgive than I won’t be forgiven.
I don’t know if any of you know of a certain person by the name of Shawn McDonald. 🙂 I love his music, I’ve been to a concert of his once, but sadly, I haven’t had the chance to meet him. But, as I’m writing this I’m listening to one of my favorite songs of his that isn’t yet on a cd… During these last few weeks no song has ever felt more personal… here are a few of the lyrics I want to share with you.
Pride walk out the door
I don’t need you anymore
I can do it on my own
won’t you please leave me alone
Hate walk out the door
I don’t need you anymore
I can do this on my own
won’t you please leave me alone
All we need is love
Yes, all we need is love
If you pray, I could desperately use some prayer. I am never enough to change myself and on my own I am nothing. I want to leave my comfort behind me, I want to desperately seek Jesus and realize what it truly means to be a follower of Him… to obey His commandments even when it means going against what my flesh wants. And pray for the merciful move of the Lord cutting off the branches in me that aren’t honoring to Him (John 15).
Once again, thanks for reading…
A Travelers Journey 