It’s after 1am in Ohio. Those of you who know me well know that I’d usually be asleep 3 hours ago. But tonight that’s not happening, my body is tired but my mind can’t seem to settle and my heart can’t seem to rest. I’m trying to settle in with some David Crowder and writing this blog – but I’m not sure if this kind of thing ever helps.I have a story to share with you before I get to the meat of this blog… or atleast to where I’m planning on leading. First, let me tell you that I’m sorry for the confusion ahead of time… a big part of this is personal and I’m not wanting very many people to know about this yet until things are final.. or completely planned.
Last week I spent my days at a Youth Camp; one I’ve been going to off and on for 4 years. While I was there the last 4 days I had the chance to meet a new friend who was a councelor there. I got to meet him, talk with him and get to know him within those last 4 days. Since I’ve come back home I’ve been convinced of one thing: if I had 1 reason to be there that week then it would’ve been to’ve met this friend.
The last night we talked was our last day there. We have one major thing in common and most of our conversations have been wrapped around that – and I have been completely blessed by that! But, the last night we were there I came to him in tears over this thing… the one thing I was thankful for at that moment was the fact that we were standing outside in the dark so he wasn’t able to see my watery eyes. I told him that I’m full of doubt, fear and feeling enable for it (the thing we have in common), and that I’ve been struggling spiritually.
After I talked for a solid amount of minutes about where I’ve been and what I’m feeling he looked me in the eye and said: “we are always going to struggle, and our struggles are always going to be hard. Really hard.” I nodded in agreement with him. And then he put the things that were in his hands down on the wet ground and looked straight foward and then sideways toward me and said: “Teresa, someone said this to me once. Teresa, are these things excuses now, or are they really big things? Are fear, doubt, or feeling enable excuses for where you are right now – for what God is doing in you right now? Or are they really big things right now? Teresa, you’re fearful, doubtful, and feeling like you’re enable for this – but maybe you’re allowing them to become excuses. Someone said this to me before.. ‘no more excuses.’ Teresa, God wants the willing and I know you’re willing (for the thing we have in common); but maybe you’re now letting these things get in the way. Teresa, no more excuses.”
Fear, doubt and feeling unable feels so real to me right now. These places that God has allowed me to come into make me feel completely insecure and unprepared… completely enable for where I am and where I’m leading right now. Things that I’ve been thinking upon and hopefully planning for nearly a year now – but things that I never thought would happen. I don’t want excuses, but I think I may be full of them.
This morning I was having some time with Jesus and after praying to Him – the words “no more excuses” hit me hard. Literally. I sat there in the silence of my room and those words were suddenly brought to my attention again. No more excuses. I looked at the passages I just read and I realized that I’ve allowed excuses to become not only a part of the situation I’m in but also a part of my walk with Jesus. I’ve allowed my fear, guilt, sin, doubt, shame, and weariness become an excuse for being half-hearted, for questioning God. I’ve allowed the fact that I’m struggling with fear, guilt, sin, doubt, shame and weariness – make those very things seem okay.
Tonight those aren’t the words that I need, but this morning I did. Tonight I’m looking for words like: “seek Jesus, He is there” but like I shared with my friend… I’m prone to believe lies. I’m now prone to allow the fact that I can believe lies be an excuse for me. I haven’t been believing the truth about God in my life lately, and I’ve so terribly allowed that to make me think it’s okay to make excuses for myself. Tonight I’ve allowed myself to think over in my mind the past 2 weeks and how I’ve felt distant from God while trying to desperately seek Him – become an excuse for myself.I am fearful, doubtful and feeling enable – but I desperately what to come before Jesus with those things and not allow myself to hide in fear because of them.
I’m tired friends, but I want to listen to my friend’s advice and to seek Truth as well. I want to run to Jesus now even when I feel enable to. I want to trust His Truth even when I feel fearful, doubtful and enable… I want to trust He has me where He wants me even if I feel fearful, doubtful and enable in the midst of it…
I’m sorry for the wordi-ness but I had a point that I wanted to get across, but I’m not sure if I did. Writing this at 1 in the morning kind of hindered that…
I’m asking for prayer once again.
A Travelers Journey 