A Quieted Dream

I’ve always been the type of person to have a lot of dreams – things that sometimes seem unreachable and hindered, yet my heart feels at home with it.Yesterday I was with a friend of mine. I was sitting at the bar on a stool in her Kitchen and suddenly she sat beside me, looked me in the eye and asked: “Teresa, what are your goals? What are your dreams right now, what is it right now that you really want?” I looked at her in the eyes – kind of surprised by the question. I told her: “What are my goals? I don’t know.” I did know, I do know, but I hesitated. In the past few weeks a part of me has become so fearful of my dreams lately that I haven’t been able to share them. But, I built up the courage to tell her that being a Christian musician, a writer, a missionary in India, a photographor, a mother and wife are the very things that I’ve dreamed of doing… of being. The things I want to further The Kingdom with.

These are the things that make me come alive… music, writing, the people of India, black and white photographs. Making my own music with my own hands and my own words, scribbling my thoughts on paper and allowing them to become more then just that, taking what I think is beautiful and capturing that moment and making it even more beautiful, allowing messy little ol’ me to be used to spread the Word of God to the people of India.

Yesterday night a friend of my sister’s said to me: “I’ve read your blogs. You’re a really good writer!” I thanked her for the words, but I got fearful. I am fearful. The kind of fear that you face when you know things are hindered, things feel completely unreachable but they just don’t seem to go away. This type of fear has been whispering in my ear for the past few months… when I grabbed the laptop and sat down to write this fear seemed to be louder… but it is slowing being drowned out by the humming of the fans and the voice of sweet ol’ David Crowder. But the fear is still there, I can literally feel it.

Fear is still built within me – the type of fear caused because I’ve realized that sometimes God wants something to happen and He won’t let me thwart it (things that I feel unsure of) no matter what I do.

It has even scared me to share this with you – to share what dreams have been hidding in my heart, some of the dreams that I’ve been so fearful to share. I’ve become fearful because these are desperately things that I want. I’ve become afraid to share what I want because I’ve become fearful of finding out it isn’t what God wants for me or that I’m going to fail… or even that the hindrance in front of me will grow bigger. Music, writing, India, photography are those dreams.

Today these things have been heavy on me, re-thinking the words of my friend and the comments on my writing that I’ve been getting this week. I love the things that I dream for/of, I’ve just become fearful of them. My dreams have become quieted because of that.

I used to dream dreams easily – and up until this year I believed that nothing could hinder my dreams. I so easily believed that what I dreamed could simply become a reality. But somehow now; I guess the question that I truly want to ask is: which of these dreams are mine and what dreams are God’s FOR me? (Eph. 2:10) If I allow hindrances to stand in my way then what dreams of God’s for me will I walk away from… I think we are capable of walking away from what God wanted for us. I trust that God does have dreams for us… things He wants us to do to further His Kingdom, things that He has equipped us to do. I know I will get comments that disagree with me on that.

I am leaving again Sunday afternoon for a week. Once I am back home in a week more blogs will be coming… a “where-in-the-heck-have-I-been” blog and about a few things I’ve been learning, and life in general. And I’m sure after coming home I’ll have more to write about the place that I’m going. 🙂 If you’ve read my last blog and this one – I covet your prayers over these things.

Seek Jesus and be His…

Teresa

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Words of inspiration….

If you’ve read this blog for anytime then you most likely know that I’m a reader, a desperate lover of words – if you know me personally then I’m sure you’ve known that for quite some time now. *grin*I haven’t had much time to soak up reading this Summer like I’m used to… but I decided to borrow this book from a dear friend of mine. This is 1 of the 2 books that I’ve so far been able to read this Summer. I want to share with you a few quotes from this book… hopefully reading these quotes will lead you into reading this sometime very random, vunerable, God-seeking book. 🙂

“When God is found and we embrace it with abandon, we embrace the Giver of it.”

“I had fallen in love with my spirituality rathen then with the One whom I sought, and in the end it left me void and wanting.”

“This is disheartening in that we know our living could be deeper and we have settled.”

“It is no wonder we have trouble when trying to fit our “spirituality” into all the stuff of life because we’ve neglected to bring all the stuff of life into our “spirituality.”‘

“….Even in the middle of darkness and loss is the unexpected presence of God..”

“Sometimes praise comes face to the ground, unable to move because we are so aware that this holy, terrifying God has busied Himself bringing us back to Him.”

Be inspired…. READ IT!

Teresa

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A wrestless afternoon…

I’m sitting on the couch of a few friends of mine, I’m at their home that is nearly 2 hours away from my own. I woke up this morning at nearly 7 o’clock to find myself being the first one awake. I long for that in the morning, the mornings are especially the time that I need to myself; if I don’t get that then I feel as if my whole day is off track. I woke up this morning to having my time with Jesus, the cornfields right outside the window, and the shining morning sun. I loved it.But now it’s nearly 4 hours later and I’m feeling completely wrestless, completely unable to find peace and thrown out of my comfort zone. And I’ve felt desperate. The desperation I’ve felt has been more real then anything to me. It’s felt as if it’s been clinging to my very being and the very moment I’m given a glimpse of hope I’m then somehow reminded of the desperation that has found its place in me. I’ve been reminded of how incapable I am, how unfaithful and forgetful I am… and its been terribly hard.

This morning I read a verse in Pslam that I’ve been reading over and over for the past few weeks.

“Hear O LORD, and answer me. For I am poor and needy.” (86:1)
I’ve been trying and praying that those words would somehow settle in my heart. That I’d be reminded in this season that God sees the fact that I’m poor and needy as a good thing. That He knows I’m desperate and the very season that I’m in. I desperately want to be reminded that in the times God feels distant that His Promise still stands firm “Never will I leave or forsake you.”

Please do pray for me friends. I’ve been in place of desperation, feeling unfaithful and forgetful of Who Jesus truly is. I’m needy and poor and I trust that God will lead me to Him with that. I know that feeling desperate isn’t going to go away so quickly as I had hoped – and I could possibly be led to harder and rougher places then I am now. It could get harder before it gets easier.

“For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, like a great lion to Judah. I will tear them to pieces and go away; I will carry them off, with no one to rescue them. Then I will go back to my place until they admit their guilt. And they will seek My Face; in their misery they will earnestly seek Me.”

“Return, O Isreal, to the LORD your God. Your sins have been your downfall! Take words with you and return to the LORD. Say to Him: “Forgive all our sins and receive us graciously, that we may offer the fruit of our lips. Assyria cannot save us; we will not mount war-horses. We will never again say ‘Our gods’ to what our own hands have made, for in You the fatherless find compassion.”

I will heal their waywardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them. (Hosea 5:14-15, 14:1-4)

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Teresa = MIA

I’ve been up for nearly 3 hours now, and when I woke up this morning I looked out the window to see a gray – gloomy ‘morning’ sky. It looks like rain… actually, it looks like rain for the next 2 or 3 days. I sometimes love the rain and thunderstorms, but I hate waking up to them.It has been nearly a month since I’ve written – there have been many things that I’ve wanted to write about: places I’ve been and the places I’m going, the amazing people I’ve met, the many things God has been weighing in on my heart, things with family and things with other loved ones. I am sitting here wondering how I’m going to be able to write about everything that has been in my heart and on my mind; but I don’t think it’s possible.

The last month has been crazy. I’ve been spending most of my time in cars, other people’s houses and other people’s churches. I’ve been running from here to there… from a Missions trip for 6 days, to being home for 6 days and then leaving for 7 more. And now I’ve been back home for 4 days and I have 4 left to go until I’m gone again for 5 and then home for 3 or 4 and then gone for 6 more. Believe me, it can get exhausting friends!

There are bags and suitcases to pack, things to buy and people to get inthouch with to make sure things are planned right. And very little time for life. Very little time to truly catch-up and have a conversation with dear friends of mine, little time to have peace and quiet and have familiarity again, and very little time to truly reflect on what has been put into my heart and mind during a weekly Bible Study… let alone very little time to be completely quieted and stilled before God.

Sometimes, (like this morning) I’m wishing life had a ‘pause’ button. A button that makes it so that I’m the only one moving and that when I feel completely ready again – then I can press the ‘go’ button. Too bad life doesn’t have one of those, I know many people who have wished that along with me. *grin*

When I left for the Missions trip it was good. Good to meet so many amazing new people (may have a blog up about them soon.) Good to learn what it truly means to have a servants heart and what it means to realize that God is capable even when I doubt that He is, and that He can work through and in me even when I feel completely enable.

The week after that I got to spend with my brothers Bryan and Mike and my brother Bryans’ family. It was refreshing in ways, and yet de-freshing in others (I know, I’m not sure if that’s a word either.) Our last night there, my sister Britt and my brother Bryan and I were all sitting around the Kitchen table sharing what God has been teaching us and where we’ve been in life lately and simply how we were doing. I haven’t had anyone ask me that or have anyone share that with me in awhile – so those words were spoken at just the right time. *grin*

And now, for 4 more days I am home. Spending time with family, having Bible Study, having time with Jesus, sleeping in my own bed and catching up on rest, and desperately trying to catch-up with friends that I’ve been missing.

Saturday afternoon I’m leaving to spend a few days with dear friends of mine that I haven’t had the chance to see since December! I may be exhausted and wanting/needing a few things that I haven’t been able to have in the past month, but I am terribly excited about this next week. To sit around the table like we did the last time I was there – and share about where our hearts have been, what God is teaching/doing in us, and what life has brought to us. To work together on things that need to be done. And to eat together, share coffee, watch movies, laugh and take walks… I’m excited.

I have more to share. I just wanted to write a ‘where-in-the-world-have-I-been’ blog (literally.) I have more to write about where God has had me and what He’s been allowing to weigh in on my heart, and a few other things.

Thanks for reading… please do comment, I’d love to hear from you. 🙂

Teresa

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